Mom went home almost 3 months ago now… And I have to say, these past few weeks have been a bit difficult for me. I miss her.
I miss being able to talk to her, and just visit. I hadn’t been able to talk to her and visit for several years, but it was like you just move on with it, yes there were times that it was rough, but, she was with us, and you just evolve the relationship. You work it out.
I don’t know how much of it is the rudderless feeling I have particularly on Thursdays, or so many pictures that I took of us doing things of course had mom in them, but it is an almost constant reminder on Facebook. It almost seems daily that some sort of “memory” comes up to share, and she is there.
I don’t know how much of it is the total absence now makes the void a black hole, where I can feel grief try to take hold and suck me in. And then I have to refuse grief. I allow myself to feel sad, but I refuse to allow grief to strangle me.
I remind myself, that she is where she always wanted to be, with Jesus, and Marymom and DaddyCarl. And between the 3 of them, you should see the place they are making ready for us. Mom with her amazing talent, Marymom sewing anything and everything, and DaddyCarl building and putting it all together. I am imagining many paintings and sculptures, and crocheted flowers and afghans, and each house built especially for all of us so that we are together again.
I suppose it was about 6 weeks ago that I looked up when Easter was and found out it was Mom’s birthday.
This is my first holiday with out her, her first birthday without her, and although, there is a underpinning of sad, I’m determined to power on…. I find it significant that her first birthday in heaven is the day that we as the body of Christ celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus.
It’s like the Father is reminding me of the promise of eternal life once again. That He promised to never leave us or forsake us…. that He lives. And because He lives, I live, and Mom lives, and I will see her again. I miss her, but I do have a Comforter, someone who has always been next to me, He is someone I can talk to at anytime of the day or night, and since I work nights, we talk a lot.
And I have a cat. I got him right after MaryMom went to be with DaddyCarl, and he loves me, and most of the time wants lots of attention. And he is my cuddlebug when I need a hug, eventhough he hates to be held. So, I’m ok…. I miss mom, and sometimes I find myself wanting to call her like I did way back, it’s odd to me, but it makes sense too.
I’m a Gemini, so I can be a walking contradiction like that. And it’s ok to be sad, just not to wallow in it. So, I actually cut myself some slack on Thursdays, and if I sleep all day, and I mean from getting home from work to going back to work, that’s ok, it’s just that day, and it helps me from feeling lost on that day.
And if I don’t, then that’s ok too. I hope this Holy Day, reminds us all that no matter what the plan, or how dark the path seems, that His love and power, the same love and power that raised Jesus from the dead, will envelope you and raise you to the high place seated with Him forever.