Monthly Archives: April 2016

Mother

My mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. through the journey of the past several years, we have chosen a non medical approach to her life.  It isn’t that we are against medicine, it is that the medicine was making her miserable and catatonic and aggressive because she couldn’t communicate how miserable she truly was.

She almost always has a smile for me now when I see her.  And the other night, we were at a fast food joint and she saw my niece coming up to meet us.  She recognized her and even called out a version of her name.  Wow, that was amazing.  I spent 2 1/2 years not being able to work, because every time I started even looking for a position, we had a hospital stay.  She would fall.  It took about 7 months before we actually got to a neurologist and then she had seizures diagnosed.  The funny thing is, she never had seizures before she had the medicine for her heart.  Those medicines made mealtime a hit or miss with mom.  with most of the time it being a miss.  She just wasn’t hungry, and wouldn’t drink anything of consequence and would become dehydrated and pass out, which actually was a seizure. At the time that we had our first EEG, she had little almost constant seizures.

She had a big one on June 5th of last year.  I know what day it was because we were going to see dad’s urologist and she had the seizure in the car.  She was so lifeless, it was terrifying.  They doubled her seizure medicine, and wanted us to see our neurologist, slight problem, our old one had changed practices and our new one didn’t have an opening till about 6 weeks later, that was our appt.  I tried to call to see if I could get any help before that, but I think the doctor was out of country.

Those weeks were the worst we have ever had.  I can’t even remember how bad things were, really dad and I both have forgotten the past to focus on the positive and the future.  But when I spoke with dad and we both determined, although I told him I wasn’t going to subject mom to all that medication anymore, he agreed.

That was the hardest decision I have ever made.  I had to trust God that this was the right thing to do, it was like, even though, I hadn’t really been involved with Him at all for several years, He expected my faith to be at the level it was years before.  I’m sure if I really look at it too, part of it was, I had started talking to Him again anyway because I needed help with mom.  I wanted to do what was best for her and would make her the happiest and most whole.

The medicine was the key.  I had gone over to make a shake for mom with the medicine in it, and ended up tasting it thinking it wouldn’t be that bad.  It was horrible, the most bitter thing imaginable, and she had been trying to drink it.  The taste of it stayed in my mouth for hours.  I felt so bad that mom had been trying so diligently to eat the stuff we had been giving her and it had been so rank.

That night I just told dad, if she drinks it she does, if she doesn’t that is ok too.

The next day was my day to stay with her so dad could have some time off. Dad tried to give her some of the medicine, but she didn’t take much of it, if any. But she started to come back from the catatonic abyss.  She started responding.  The longer she went with out the medicine, the more she was engaging to the world around her.

And that was the night I had the most difficult decision; keep the medicine or ditch it all together? I struggled all night over it.  Asked God for an answer, and heard nothing.  I wanted a huge booming voice, the dog to suddenly talk, or the cat, a squirrel.. something on facebook or Yahoo that spoke to the truth I needed right then to make the right decision concerning mother’s care.  All I could feel was Him looking at me, asking me to trust Him. and by asking I mean with the look.

So I spoke with dad that evening when he got back and I was about to go home.  He was ok with it.  I told him that medical science had no cure for anything that mom had been diagnosed with.  And they were not helping her to be happy.  And I thought we should stop the medicine.   And then I told him about how mom was talking and seemed happier and I think I even got her to eat that night.

36 hours after ceasing all medications for mother and we went for breakfast at a place where we know the waitresses and they know mom and dad, and the plate of food I would get for her that was a bit of everything just to get her to eat one thing…. and she ate the entire plate.

As a matter of fact most meals she eats everything made for her.  There are a few exceptions, if she drinks too much tea, she might not be as hungry, but we just take it home and she consumes it the next day, instead of making lunch.

Mom lost her words a while back.  Some words she can still pronounce, but sometimes not in a complete sentence. When she asks me a question, sometimes by context I can figure out what she is asking and answer. Other times I just answer and either way she seems satisfied.

I was speaking with one of the waitresses actually earlier this week about care for mom. She knows that dad is a veteran and is trying to help us make sure we have all his benefits he is due.  One of the things she was talking about was dad being disabled and thereby impaired to totally assist mom.  Dad does a great job with mom; however he did suffer hearing loss in the service and it has never gotten better, and it makes it difficult to hear her or me sometimes.

When she brought that up, it was a very valid point.  There has been a time or two that she has fallen in the bathroom and he didn’t hear her and she was there until he got up to look for her in the middle of the night.  She wasn’t injured, and seemed ok, but that can be a bit scary as well.

So, maybe we can get that looked at and then, the VA will help with hearing aids and we can get our ducks in a row so that everything is as simple and easy as it can be in the further transitions of our lives.

Something else I’ve noticed with mom, she tripped last week, Dad had his hands full and wasn’t holding hers and she lost her footing.  She is unable to catch herself with her hands anymore, but she’s been like that for a while I think. Anyway, she must have just missed her eye, because her nose was scraped and right under her right eye and above the eyebrow and temple. Literally all around her right eye.  I spoke with dad about she has to have help, or, walking right beside her, on level ground.  My brother was there, he should have helped as well.  But you know guys don’t always think like that, maybe they aren’t as overprotective as I am (lol). Anyway, what normally would have taken weeks to clear up, I barely saw any damage to her face by Monday, that was from Tuesday of the week before to Monday, and her face was clear.  That is God my friends, supernatural recovery.  That is the exact opposite of when we had to have surgery in 2014 to repair 10 hernias and then had to go to the wound clinic, because she wasn’t healing.

I honestly can’t say that much has even changed in anything that we are doing other than she is not on any of the medication, and she is eating.

A friend from church that I used to attend used to post all these great things her mom would say and do. Although she had this horrid diagnosis as well, it hadn’t stolen her spunk.  Her Mother passed away recently, and I realized, I hadn’t been celebrating the life we still have with mom.  That’s why if you are on my facebook, you will see those now.  Going to eat, or even the doctor’s office (if it’s a dr she likes).

And sometimes, I realize, I am very much my mother’s daughter.  I like things in a particular place, you can mostly see that either on my desk, or work space, or at the dinner table.  Sometimes it’s because if I don’t mom will confiscate my food as her own.  She did that one time, picked over the smaller biscuit and took my big biscuit along with her big breakfast she had already had.. lol Dad and I kinda just looked at each other.  I’m not sure how much more she would have eaten if I had let her.

Mom’s Birthday is Saturday and she will be 71.  And although her doctor wants her on medication, she is the happiest and healthiest I have seen her in at least 4 years.  And although I am not ready by any means for her to leave us, as long as she goes in peace, and knowing we love her, I can live with that.

 

 

 

Ishmael and Isaac

I was spending some time today thinking about my past mistakes, and past in general.  What I learned about God and Holy Spirit in both waiting and listening to Him, and the failures I had when I let someone that claimed to be His voice mucked up what God and I had hashed out.

I am thinking about a specific period in my life.  I think I have alluded to it a few times before, but now we can almost get down to almost the nitty gritty, I won’t be naming names or anything.

The first time I met this person, I really didn’t care for them.  I found their attitude and mannerisms overbearing I guess.  And actually, I had no further contact with them for a few years I guess.

Until the time they renovated the Christian book store I worked at and then hired new people to work in it.  They had added a coffee shop in the back of the property, but it never really took off, probably due to the location and that none of the big traffic departments were near it.

This person was initially hired to run that space.  I don’t remember how we began to get together, maybe she was less the know it all or something.  Perhaps it was God having mercy on her so that I would feel like talking to her, who knows.

We became fast friends, thinking about it now, I think it had to do with the fact that we could talk about the same things spiritually, because she supposedly believed as I did, and you know that is always so nice to find.  Like minds, that you think are on the same level.

There were signs all along, but I didn’t discern them or some of them I didn’t see until much later.  I think a big part of it was she was planning a wedding on her own, and I stepped in to help.

This was the kind of person that just seemed to have some sort of story about somebody that was somebody that she knew.  She had a lot of trials, but you know the vast majority of them were directly related to the decisions she had made in her life.  We are talking doozies of bad decisions after bad. And you know what, if I knew then what I know now, well sometimes the only way you know is to walk it.

Anyway in the midst of all this, I had met this guy, dude, such a crush, I thought he was the one. There was a pastor one time that was talking about making a list of the attributes you desired in your mate, give them to God and then let it go. (something to that effect).  This was going on nearly 15 – 20 years ago so forgive me if I first come out of shock with how time moves, and wow am I old.

Anyway, there was such a tension within me, was he, could he be? should I? I’m thinking it might have gone on for possibly a month, I doubt it was really that long, I just remember, not being able to sleep, so I got out of bed and went into the den of my grandmother’s house and set there and was going to settle once and for all was he or wasn’t he.

So we sitting there, Holy Spirit and I, and He tells me to go over my list.  I only had one physical attribute, the others were spiritual and more to do with character.

One by one we went over the list, until we got to the one thing, can he sing.  I can still remember sitting there, that realization coming over me, and I can feel Holy Spirit looking at me with that “well?” look.  And I knew. I knew he wasn’t the one, and I felt good about it. I could be friends with him, and he was a great guy, but I wasn’t going to fret over anything anymore. And I went back to bed and

The next morning I was feeling good, I had my answer from God and was ready to run with it.  I stopped by the café to tell my friend what God and I had decided the night before, and she stopped me and said “Hold on, just because… doesn’t mean…” I was too naïve and too unsure of myself, instead of saying no.. now I know what we said, I wasted almost 2 years of heartache and turmoil.

Her life was in heartache and turmoil and she was determined that mine would be as well I suppose.  I can remember her not having money to eat food and I offering to take her out, but that I didn’t have a lot of money and it would have to be cheap fast food, and instead of being gracious about it, she drove us to a sit down restaurant and said she just couldn’t eat that unhealthy.  There were so many clues that she really didn’t care about me and was sent to confuse me in what I was learning about the prophetic and hearing and doing.  I remember another time, that I was so happy, God and I had had this marvelous time together and nothing else mattered, and she whispered that she had a word for me.

That “word” made me cry, not in the good way, it syphoned off the joy I had, it cloaked me with a garment of mourning.  It was a false word.  Things I can see now, that I couldn’t see in the middle of it.

There was even this time of a spiritual retreat designed to lose all the negative forces that we can be open to unknowingly, that she had done a couple of months before, that I gave her her space about, but when I went and was leaving, turned around and she was standing there behind me “praying”.  I was not happy, I felt like I wasn’t allowed to have anything of my own without her trying to be a part of it.  And you know what? I was right.

I think that was sort of the beginning.  At this point, all I can really remember, is all the time I was trying to spend with God, she either wanted that time, or it still left me feeling empty.  And if she was involved in it, can I hear Him? no.  I can remember talking to another friend of mine, Tracy, I’ve mentioned her before she’s a great woman of God, I’ve seen her fruit.  I told Tracy I was so empty, and she said you just need to get that bucket under the spout.  I told her it doesn’t matter how much goes into the bucket if someone else has punched a spigot in the bottom of it and is draining it as it goes in.

That Sunday afternoon, in the church parking lot, God and I had a long talk. And He told me that He had sent me to her for a time so that she could see what it is supposed to be like, but she had rejected it, and now I needed to move on.  You see the grace that He had extended over me for that period was gone, and it was time to cut ties. Which I did.  Never spoke to her again.  You may think that sounds harsh, but in actuality, she would have just tried to confuse the situation again and again and I would have been stuck in that spiral for even longer.

Look, I had already brought major hardship into my life when I let her confuse me about that guy, I can remember later talking to God about it, not understanding how He had let it be so messed up. and then I remembered, like the scales coming off my eyes, I remembered. It was me, it was me not being strong enough to say, NO, that’s not what we discussed and that isn’t true for me.  I think I am now though. I am definitely careful with whom I let into my inner circle.

Now there are times that we need to hear words of admonition, words of correction, and those can break our hearts and are meant to draw us back to the Father, look at all the old testament prophets and you will see that.

But what I have seen in true prophetic words today is this:

They are specific, they are not the run of the mill, vague horoscope type words to people.

They resonate with your heart, with what God has already been saying to you.  It is a confirmation not only of the Word of God, but also His direct dealings with you.

And they always follow in line with the Written Word of God.  They will never contradict it.

And if you get one of these very specific words of prophecy, be ready, because they are to strengthen you in the coming times when the battle will be getting deep. They speak of your destiny in Him, and every demonic force will come to try to stop that if they can.

More on that later.

Love y’all

Sobering

So, I know I write sporadically.  Not that anyone really reads with regularity anything I write…. but there are times that things strike me.  Things that need to be said, but not really anyone wanting to hear.  It becomes… I suppose like Jeremiah said this is like a fire shut up in my bones… it just has to come out.

I saw a posting on faceb today, and it didn’t alarm me, but it was sobering.  It was about men of God that have gone on to be with the Lord, that are men I trust their teachings, warning about a coming storm… and so many Christians being swept away because they aren’t tethered to the Rock.  Instead of examining their lives and really putting aside the foolish, instead of crucifying the flesh, they are listening to preachers and pastors that are telling them everything is ok and they don’t have to change.  That we won’t face any hardships.

I think you can look at the world outside the US and see that isn’t true.  We are still so isolated, insulated, coddled, and like little babies when the grown ups disappear, in very big trouble.

We are so easily offended by trivial things.  We expect others to do the worst to us, but the worst is a walk in the park compared to homicide bombings, being stoned or beheaded, or singled out because you know whom you have believed.

We have spurned suffering for the cross and traded it (depending on your faith or your beliefs) maybe for 40 days of not eating a certain food or drinking something to “remind us of Jesus’s suffering” but do we really know his suffering?

I am not advocating going and sitting on a pole in the desert to get closer to God, or prove how holy you are, or to go live in a cave or beating yourself with a whip. I think those are extreme and unnecessary not to mention entirely impractical.

We are called, however to crucify the flesh. If we want great faith, we have to fast and pray to get the flesh under and out of the way to let God flow.  We need to live the fasted life. That doesn’t mean necessarily food either.  I am really bad about needing noise constantly in my apartment, so that means the tv is on nearly 24/7.  Way too often that also entails my fat behind sitting there watching some nonsense that I really could care less about.  Or going to my animated movies because there is no violence or nastiness there just to have the company.

Kinda funny for a firstborn that likes her alone time and quiet, huh? I suppose it boils down to if I control the volume, then it’s all good.

So I wouldn’t really say that I have done a stellar job of crucifying the flesh, especially recently, but these blogs are always as much for me as for anyone else.

Sometimes I need to teach or write or preach just to open that flow to hear what God is telling all of us.  Talk about a crutch, right? but it’s true.  No one is perfected, yet. We all see through a dark mirror, and if I haven’t been in the flow for a bit, I need the outlet to prime the pumps so to speak and move.  Thank you Holy Spirit for bringing everything to my remembrance and helping to remember things I had ever forgotten I ever knew.

So I’m going to study more on the coming storm, although I really don’t like thinking about those things, but I think we are seeing manifestations of them coming in the natural of the spiritual storms that are raging around us. We must be tethered to the rock if we ever hope to be safe and not swept away.

Love y’all

Danger, Danger Wil Robertson

The other day I saw a fb post from a ministry talking about many of the prophetic voices of the last century warning about the coming war on Christians and that actually it will involve mass parts of the Body falling away, or swept away rather by teaching that seems to be that feel good preaching.  And it really struck me hard.  I don’t want anyone to fall away, or be swept away by doctrines that are incomplete? is that a correct way to put it?

So, I’ve been mulling it for a while then, and that was where the first post today came from, how can people that believe they are following God, be swept away? I understand laying down your life for what you believe, but if we read the Word, can we then be swept away?

No, I haven’t revisited those prophetic utterances, I’ve more been mulling it all over in my own heart.  And I guess that’s where it affects me most.  I can remember people wanting to be prophets running up to others, or sometimes just sidling up to them and giving them “words” and I can remember someone that was close to me, telling me they had a word from the Lord, and instead of it giving me strength, it deflated me. That same person that one time when we were driving suddenly “felt” something was up with the person in the car in front of us.  And then spent time with their hand extended towards the car trying to suss out what it was.  Where, when they said something was up… I just quietly pled the Blood of Jesus over them as a prayer of protection and I was done.  Nothing is more powerful than the Blood.

So maybe my own approach would leave me swept away too?

I know that there still hasn’t been the feeling of closeness that I once had with God, and I know that’s my fault.  I also know that there are places that I must repent and turn to get back on the path.

I also know that while God has already done everything that pertains to our healing, there are people around me that are not walking in the full manifestation of that truth.

If we let things get in the way, then we will miss it.  I mean, Esau sold his birthright…. his birthright for a bowl of stew.

Sarah gave her husband her handmaiden to have a kid, and then when God fulfilled His promise, the mocking and disrespect of Hagar and Ishmael got them kicked out of a rather cushy place.  Hagar was told to go and humble herself to her mistress and that God had a place for Ishmael.

How different would Cain and Abel’s lives been if their parents had made the right decisions, or even them, if Cain hadn’t been so full of pride and then anger and then self righteousness that he took out his own brother.

How different would the exodus been if Moses hadn’t killed the Egyptian because he was trying to make his destiny happen?

What about when Miriam and Aaron thought they were just as qualified as Moses and Miriam was struck with leprosy?

What about Elisha’s servant that went after Naaman to get some of those riches that Elisha had rejected? I’m thinking he was a servant not unlike Elisha was to Elijah, he not only gained Naaman’s leprosy, but he also lost the mantle of a prophet.

And what about Samson? In Sunday school we are taught that it was just the hair being cut that caused him to lose the anointing of strength, when that was just the last thing of the Nazarite vow that he defiled himself that lost it.  It took him being at rock bottom and brought out for humiliation that he finally humbled himself and God was able to use him mightily to destroy the Philistines.

So what are we missing then? What teaching are we exchanging for real discipleship and true fellowship? Tell me, I want to know.  I do know this, it doesn’t matter one bit what we think or what we believe, it matters what God said. It doesn’t matter what we think is obedient, it matters what God says is obedience.  It doesn’t matter what we anything, it only matters what God everything.

I used to have this friend. I was in love with him.  He never felt the same way, and that was good. He was an absolute obsession for me, and in that, I can remember one time he actually said. “God accepts me the way I am, he knows me, and he doesn’t expect me to change.” And my stupid obsessed self was yeah that makes sense….. it was months later, as a matter of fact I think I had moved home and that statement hit me, and I wondered what I had been thinking to entertain that notion.  How counterproductive to everything God says about being sanctified and holy and called apart and separated for His purpose. And how gullible was I? I learned though, to really listen, to really seek to understand and be steadfast in what I believe.

A couple of years later I had a friend that I reconnected with, and in the years that we were living separate lives, he had chosen to become Buddhist.  And he asked me if I thought he was going to hell.  I am not the type of person that will tell anyone they are going to hell.  I might wish some people would get away from me, but I would never willingly say or send anyone to that place.  But, he put me on the spot, and I had to tell him, that Jesus said He is the Way, that no one comes to the Father but through Him, and if he had chosen a different path than Jesus, then his decision had a consequence of being separated from God forever.

I can remember him taking a deep breath and saying “Wow”, no one had ever told him that.  His Christian friends hadn’t told him that. Is that the storm surge that is going to sweep so many away?

I need to stop only mulling it over and start studying that.

Anyway, Love you, Bless you. I’m going to bed.

 

 

Potpourri

I have so much that needs to be said, but I’m not sure where to start or to go with it all.  Mostly it needs to be said because we all have issues with it.

We think that if we serve God, even when we openly disobey or disregard something He has told us that we are walking the path.

Let me caution us all… The way to heaven is NARROW… but the way to hell is WIDE.  meaning, it is much easier to be fooled into thinking you can sidestep something you KNOW God had told you, because you don’t think you need it, or, you think you’ve conquered it, or your flesh just cries out for it, and yet even though you still seem a king, you still have the title (as far as man is concerned) your disobedience has stripped you of your anointing.  If you have any success, it is minimal, and you no longer walk in the power you once did.  Samuel told Saul… Samuel spent years listening to God, when God said go, he went. When he said wait, he waited.  Saul, not so much, he looked for the praise of men before the praise of God.  And made serious mistakes because of it.

1 Samuel 15:22 Samuel told Saul, “Obedience is better than sacrifice, and submission is better then offering the fat of rams.”

Here’s the thing… when we take one step out of the obedience of Christ, for whatever reason, we are off the path.  Even if we strive to walk the walk, we’ve stepped off the path and remain going contrary to the will of God, because we have failed to repent.

Remember, repent just means to stop and turn back the other direction. It is acknowledging that you missed the mark, you sinned, it is humbling yourself and turning back to that point and honoring the Creator by submitting to His word and His call and His will.

I think that’s why so many of us are still sick, or financially strapped or any other struggle, because at the point that God said DO and we didn’t, we walked off the path.

We open the door to struggle, attack, discouragement, sickness, all those things, and let’s face it, we have enough of those attacks when we are all in with God and the enemy just wants to mess with us.

Maybe part of it is spending enough time alone with Him so that we can hear His voice when other’s are talking to us.  I wouldn’t consider my dad a uber spiritual man, however, there have been watershed moments in my life where he has said something to me about what he wanted me to see in my father, that I heard the Voice of Eternity telling me.

Here’s the scary thing until we go back to THAT time and repent, we are off the path. We may be walking near the path, even parallel to the path, but we are off the path.  We have traded our security and our righteousness for pale illusions of them, and then we can lose faith when the storms come.

Now am I saying that all trials are because of disobedience, but we certainly don’t make it any easier on us or those around us when we are.  Look at Jonah, and what he suffered and the men on that ship because he chose to run the opposite direction.

And look at Saul, he not only lost the anointing to be king, he lost his mind, because the anointing was gone. And he not only lost the crown, his son lost his life.

David tried to pull a fast one, and look at the havoc his shenanigans reeked on his children.

The point to all of this is… you can’t fool God, and if someone who walks in the prophetic tells you something, you don’t get to decide the timeline on the instructions, God does, because he has a greater reason for it than you know.  And your disobedience doesn’t affect you, it affects all those around you, and even people you have never even met before.  We are a part of the body of Christ, that means we are all interconnected every wrong decision, every right decision affects not only us, but the whole body as well.

I guess that is why this has been weighing on me so much the past few days.

Love you, Bless you.