Someone understands, and my heart is lighter

I miss my mother, I miss my grandmother. Sometimes it really just weighs on me. I don’t talk about it often, usually because there is nothing I can really do about it. I wish things were different, that mom and dad could really enjoy his retirement, like go on cruises and trips and stuff. I wish I could cook like mom did.  I can cook ok, and I do like the turkeys I make at thanksgiving, it would just be more fun if we could be more spur of the moment in our lives.

I wrote earlier about my frustrations with mom’s primary care physician.  I was so angry with the way she treated dad and I. I do believe that she is trying to do well by mother, but her almost insistence at mom being in a facility, and her needing medication.  I acquiesced and did allow her to put in one for the heart, but I was still so angry, I bawled.

It wasn’t just her, it was also the hospital, and whomever turned in mom to APS saying that she seemed in poor health, you tell me how you would be after you had a seizure and was disoriented on top of Alzheimer’s and being surrounded by faces you hadn’t seen, stripped naked and hands all over you.  How would you react? I would have been swinging, she wasn’t, she was like a little child.  I wouldn’t let them give her any meds though, that would have sent her body into shock I think. all they gave us was saline solution and we went home. And then I got the call from APS.  I cannot tell you the amount of stress that put on top of me. I called my brother, who is a peace officer, and he wasn’t concerned.  He just told me to make sure certain things were taken care of and they were.  Then the case worker postponed his appointment, and I felt better, I felt that if he had thought it was an emergency he wouldn’t have put it off.

And God worked that out too.  I had to go back to the dr. to get mom’s home health nurse and PT back, but the dr didn’t see that it was effective, really? Mom hadn’t fallen in about a year, until she didn’t have the PT to work on her knee.

No, she thought mom’s blood pressure was too high, and that we couldn’t take care of her and she should be in a facility.

Dad tried to say, yes it would be easier if she was, but that she never would have wanted that, and it wouldn’t be good for her.

I can tell  you, it wouldn’t be easier for me, not for a minute.  That Doctor has never been there when mom’s away from us.  She’s never seen how small mom becomes, or scared or even combative because she wants to do what she wants to do.

The one time we tried a facility that was supposed to help her even out her meds, they only gave her more and we could only see her a maximum of 3 times a week.  for an hour.  and we had to be in the same room with druggies and all manner of people with issues, all loudly talking over each other, so that mom had no voice.

Mom even fell in that facility so bad that both her ankles were purple from bruising them, and they didn’t call us.

So no, I will not put her into a facility.

That is not a judgment on anyone else however, every Alzheimer’s patient is different, every story is different, and if I were the one with the issues, since I have no husband, and no children, to not burden my family, I would probably choose that option, but we are neither here nor there with that.  Plus, I know people that they loved being where they could be around other people and visit.  Not all facilities are like that one mom was at, I get that, but I have to have some sort of control, and besides, have you looked at the cost of those things? It’s outrageous.

Anyway, all that stress and the Doctor on top of all that, trying to shame us…. and that was what it was, she wants her way, apparently her way is the only way, so  she rejected the home health care, and instead wanted them to come out to do a safety survey of the house.

Thank you God that I had already spoken with the health care people and they knew what we wanted, and when our old nurse came out that knows mom, and saw mom at her worst last year, he saw the difference in mom that the Doctor refuses to see.

You should have seen his face when I told him some of the things the Doctor had said. It felt so good to have someone agree with me.  One person that didn’t think mother needed to be on pills that would make her faint and dizzy to keep her from falling.

Someone that saw mom and knew we don’t need hospice.  Someone that didn’t care and set mom back up with PT.  It felt like I had my team back, and the burden was lifted just enough to breath again. Dad even said, “this is the happiest I have seen you in a while.”

I take my responsibility very seriously, and it’s not mom that’s the real burden, it’s the so called professionals that want to cookie cutter everything and is insistent on prescribing pharmaceuticals and not trying to help us find a better alternative.

I even tried looking at a more natural approach, which back in the day, D.O.’s had, and they are not in this area, or, they are “OUT there”.

I need to keep a Dr. so that I can keep the home health care, but, it’s not going to be the same person.

I wish I hadn’t convinced dad to go with her now as well, because now I need to change his doctor too even though he likes her, if she is that resistant to mom being off pills, how is she going to be when I get dad off his?

We still have some time, but, my end goal has always been off all meds.  I will need a Doctor that understands that and welcomes it as well.



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