All posts by patticakes67

About patticakes67

I am a daughter, and a sister, a friend, and a teacher at heart. I stepped out of teaching several years ago, and now I am stepping back into it. I hope you take everything that is written here and reason it out for yourself with the Father

Birthdays and the Resurrection

Mom went home almost 3 months ago now…  And I have to say, these past few weeks have been a bit difficult for me.  I miss her.

I miss being able to talk to her, and just visit.  I hadn’t been able to talk to her and visit for several years, but it was like you just move on with it, yes there were times that it was rough, but, she was with us, and you just evolve the relationship.  You work it out.

I don’t know how much of it is the rudderless feeling I have particularly on Thursdays, or so many pictures that I took of us doing things of course had mom in them, but it is an almost constant reminder on Facebook.  It almost seems daily that some sort of “memory” comes up to share, and she is there.

I don’t know how much of it is the total absence now makes the void a black hole, where I can feel grief try to take hold and suck me in.  And then I have to refuse grief.  I allow myself to feel sad, but I refuse to allow grief to strangle me.

I remind myself, that she is where she always wanted to be, with Jesus, and Marymom and DaddyCarl.  And between the 3 of them, you should see the place they are making ready for us.  Mom with her amazing talent, Marymom sewing anything and everything, and DaddyCarl building and putting it all together.  I am imagining many paintings and sculptures, and crocheted flowers and afghans, and each house built especially for all of us so that we are together again.

I suppose it was about 6 weeks ago that I looked up when Easter was and found out it was Mom’s birthday.

This is my first holiday with out her, her first birthday without her, and although, there is a underpinning of sad, I’m determined to power on…. I find it significant that her first birthday in heaven is the day that we as the body of Christ celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus.

It’s like the Father is reminding me of the promise of eternal life once again. That He promised to never leave us or forsake us…. that He lives.  And because He lives, I live, and Mom lives, and I will see her again. I miss her, but I do have a Comforter, someone who has always been next to me, He is someone I can talk to at anytime of the day or night, and since I work nights, we talk a lot.

And I have a cat.  I got him right after MaryMom went to be with DaddyCarl, and he loves me, and most of the time wants lots of attention. And he is my cuddlebug when I need a hug, eventhough he hates to be held.  So, I’m ok…. I miss mom, and sometimes I find myself wanting to call her like I did way back, it’s odd to me, but it makes sense too.

I’m a Gemini, so I can be a walking contradiction like that. And it’s ok to be sad, just not to wallow in it.  So, I actually cut myself some slack on Thursdays, and if I sleep all day, and I mean from getting home from work to going back to work, that’s ok, it’s just that day, and it helps me from feeling lost on that day.

And if I don’t, then that’s ok too.  I hope this Holy Day, reminds us all that no matter what the plan, or how dark the path seems, that His love and power, the same love and power that raised Jesus from the dead, will envelope you and raise you to the high place seated with Him forever.

Love you.

 

 

 

Emmanuel

This is my favorite name of Jesus. Emmanuel, God with us.  Even during my times that I wasn’t really with Him, He was with me.

He promised He would never leave or forsake me, and He has kept that promise in spades.

The past three to four years have been tumultuous to say the least, but just when things seemed their most bleak, the Light of his Word, and his Presence just made those things better.  Mother was never as sick as any of the doctors tried to make her out to be, time and time again Dad and my decision to take mother off all her medication because the side effects were causing most of the health issues we were having, and even though doctors had panic attacks and tried to scare or shame us back into a regiment; through my anger and hurt, if I could just take a moment to ask God, I still remember Him saying, didn’t I say to trust me a year ago? What has changed now? Then he told me to look up the side effects of the drug the doctor wanted to put mom back on, and they were the very things we were avoiding. so I refused.

This past month has been another test. I have been learning about casting my cares on the Lord.  So the enemy has given me plenty of opportunity to take up new cares. He has been working on overtime.

Between monetary concerns and Mother health concerns, I have spent a lot of time… rolling over the heavy burdens and shot-putting the others away.  It has almost been a constant struggle.  I have a better understanding of laboring to enter the rest of God.

You should have seen me last Wednesday when we had to be admitted overnight for tests and observation, just to see what mom’s blood flow was like to her feet. Again, because doctors don’t like a person not on some sort of medication… As I would feel the weight of not sleeping, and the upcoming procedure, and all of that, there was a drop off next to where I would stand, and I envisioned throwing all that baggage down there… I prayed, and sometimes I just talked to God.

Emmanuel, God with me… God with me.   God with me and mother.   She didn’t have to have any invasive procedure done, God took care of the creatine levels, so she only had to have a CT scan, which is what we were going for 2 weeks prior. And she was released.

Her blood flow is fine through her legs.  Vindication.

Monday, we went to breakfast, mom ate everything,  and as we took a drive around the duck ponds in university hills, she was humming to the Christmas music playing on the radio.  Not always, and the songs were older ones that she definitely would have known.

Monday night we went to dinner, mom ate almost all her food and some of Christopher’s.. lol.  Tuesday we had some plans, and so I called Dad, and Mom had had about 8 seizures almost in a row. She was basically only breathing.  Dad and Chris had gotten her in from the car to the couch and that was where she had the majority of the seizures.

Years ago, Mom and Dad had signed the living wills.  And Dad and I have agreed that we will not put mom in a facility, and we know she will want to pass from this world to the next at home.  So his voice sounded like he was bracing for something I still wasn’t ready for, even though, I have been letting go in prayer. Let me tell you, it doesn’t hurt any less.

I sat there on my couch, crying, and then I got so angry.  Not at God, at that thing that has the stranglehold on my mother. See, she was healed on the Cross of Jesus. before Alzheimer’s even had a name, Mother was healed. Before they decided Diabetes was a thing, Jesus bore our sicknesses and carried our diseases on his body for our sake.

And in that moment… seething in righteous indignation, and furious anger, I told that thing to let go of my mother. And I got dressed and went to the house.

And mother who had been motionless for hours started brushing the hair out of her face.  She started looking for Dad when she heard his voice.  She bent her leg to take some pressure off her back.

A little later she almost opened her eyes. As soon as she was moving, she was asleep again. Tuesday was a difficult day. We survived, I had gone home to nap before work and then called him and told him he needed to tell my brother and sister.

Tuesday night before work, I called my bosses. I told them what was going on and that I would still work, because, I needed to, and they needed me to. God has so blessed me with caring bosses.

Wednesday morning, I went to see mom and dad, and not really much improvement, but as I watched her so that dad could take my nephew to work and my niece to school, I changed the channel to Christmas movies, and mom took notice, and turned her head. I was physically exhausted, and mentally overworked, emotionally, I was stronger.  But dad hadn’t gotten in touch with my sister, so I called her. About 25 years ago, I had to tell her that Opa had died, because mom and dad were at the hospital, and she had practice after school, and while other had hope, then pain, she only had pain.

I don’t feel like I share that news well… I get kinda clinical about it. as fast as I can go through the events… and I just felt like I did that to her again on Wednesday.

Emmanuel, mom had some other improvements. And Jenn was able to spend most of the afternoon and evening with mom and dad.  And she called me, because I am still working nights and have to sleep.  We discussed trying to get mom to drink some coke like when you use the straw to let a little bit go in their mouths.  it worked, and annoyed mother so much she was grabbing the straws.

By the end of Wednesday, Jenn had been able to help mom drink out of the straw, mom took her time, but figured it out.

This morning, I stopped to get me some coffee and Dad some, so I got there when dad was leaving to take niece to school, and I went into the house.

Mom was awake.  as I was putting my stuff down, she said Hi to me.  I changed the channel to Christmas movies again…. and she responded.  I called Jenn, and while I was talking mom was talking.  I said to Jenn, “God is Good” and mom said “Yes”.   and by this evening, Jenn sent my a pic of mom sitting up, with clean clothes on, she even ate some macaroni and cheese and had some coke.

Emmanuel has been with us.  is with us, surrounding us with His goodness and peace.  I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I do know who I have let hold it, and we will face tomorrow together.

 

Covered

coveredToday I found this amazing photo of a Father bird standing over the Momma bird and nest protecting them from the rain.

Look at the fierceness in his face as he protects.  I know some of it is facial structure and angles. That’s how I feel Holy Spirit is with us.  Covering us. I love that BBC America posted this pic on their fb page, I love birds, love seeing them fly, the other day as a matter of fact, I was driving down a side road between my place and the parents, and there is a gully-ditch thing with the protective barrier fencing, and there was a hawk clear as day and less than like 10 feet away from me… those things are huge, and he was almost on the ground searching out food.  Poor little squirrels 😦 ..

Psalms 91:4  He will cover you with His feathers; you will take refuge under His wings. His faithfulness will be a protective shield.

Deuteronomy 32:11 “Like an eagle that stirs up its nest, That hovers over its young, He spread His wings and caught them, He carried them on His pinions.

Psalm 17:8 Keep me as the apple of the eye; Hide me in the shadow of Your wings

Psalm 36:7 How precious is Your loving-kindness, O God! And the children of men take refuge in the shadow of Your wings

Psalm 61:4 Let me dwell in Your tent forever; Let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings. Selah

Psalm 57:1  Be gracious to me, O God, be gracious to me, For my soul takes refuge in You; And in the shadow of Your wings I will take refuge Until destruction passes by.

The last verse, about taking refuge until destruction passes by, reminds me of a story I once heard. There was a worship leader and he was talking about going to a friends’ farm after their barn had burned down and was helping him to survey the damage.  He saw a pile of something, looking like really rags, maybe feathers, and he kicked the pile, and when he did, all these little baby chicks came running out.  They had been gathered by their momma, and she gave her life protecting them under her wings. They were not consumed by the destruction.  I still bawl and scrawl when I think about the love of that momma hen protecting her babies even in death.

How much more so does our Father protect us? I remember one time when I was younger, I worked at a grocery store.  I was really bad about keeping more money in my till then I was supposed to, and I always had decided that I would close my drawer and lock it if I was ever accosted.  I probably would have been shot.  At the very least, because I wasn’t conforming to company policy, would have been fired.  Anyway, I was young, stupid (invincible) but God was protecting me.  I honestly don’t remember all those shoppers in my store, but suddenly, I had at least 2 large baskets, and a couple of smaller purchases, so much so that the night manager came up, opened a drawer and helped me check out everyone before we closed for the evening.  A few minutes after locking the door, one of the customers (one that I saw every week, I knew his face) came knocking and asked to use the phone, because he had been robbed.  He had used a rather large bill to pay, and because I was so busy, the ones that would have robbed me, saw that as an alternative opportunity, He handed it all over so he was safe.  I knew then that God had protected me.  A part of me still thinks some of those customers were actually angels, because I honestly did not see them walk in the door, or walking through the store.

Most of my life, although I knew God, I didn’t always feel His presence, or even seek it, it just wasn’t really taught to us that way.

I have heard other amazing stories that actually rival Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the fiery furnace.  Even the Apostle John couldn’t be boiled in oil, so he was exiled. Our own President George Washington was said to have been shot at several times during a battle, an Indian Chief was witness to it, could even see where there were bullet holes in our Founding Father’s coat, but, he was unharmed.  And the Chief refused to fight him anymore, because he knew God’s hand was on him.

I really want to segue into how under His protective wing we should, like the momma bird, likewise shelter others, but I am finding difficulty, so I think I will leave that until another time.  Because I have some really strong feelings about that subject.

Love ya!

 

Knotted 3… The victory of patience!!!

I did it!!! I finally did it!!! I unknotted that mess of thread, a huge skein, worth 3 smaller skeins of baby thread, and its all unknotted!!!!

I never did find that one string that would just unravel the whole mess. Instead, I had to painstakingly unknot piece by piece, end to end.. but, I finally did it.

When I got impatient, I made the knot worse.  but if I was calm, and took my time, and noticed the small things, and paid attention to the path of the thread, I got it.

And of course, because I see in pictures, like a lot of us, I saw how this relates to our lives.  As the creator of this piece, I could see the desired finished product.  I know I have great thread, it is so cute! I chose it specifically for this project for a very special person to me.  That is why I wasn’t willing to give up.

I love that thread, and I love what I am planning to create, and I love the little baby girl and the family I am making it for.

Now as I looked at the mess of a knot, sometimes I could be further away and broader in my pulling and winding up a new ball without any knots. Other times, I had to be close up.  but you know, sometimes that was difficult, because the knot seemed to fight me a lot.  It liked being in that state, and really didn’t care if it changed.  Other times, the knot would run away from me, as I pulled and stretched out the thread, the weight would then pull the knot away.  Sometimes even, the friction of the two or more threads would cause them to almost fuse and I had to even work to pull that apart, so I could continue my work of redeeming that knotted mess to make my beautiful creation. And I was determined to do it, because, let’s face it. I had paid the price for it. I had bought it and taken it home.  It didn’t have to wait to become the new object for it to be taken home.

Then after I had unraveled that last bit that had eluded me, I began to think about the finished piece that I would be finishing now.  I thought about how really, it’s such a lovely pattern, that looks somewhat intricate, but, really is a series of simple steps to make it wonderful.

I think about the fact that I actually bought 3 of those large skeins and at any time I could have abandoned that mess of a knot and just started with a different skein.  But at the same time, I knew I couldn’t, because I could feel the Father showing me something.

So often, we sing songs and we shout out prayers that we want to do great things for God, we want to be a vessel.  We want, we want want want….and then when He begins to pull at our knots, we fight him, because so often we don’t understand that we are really a knotted mess without true form, contorted, out of shape and useless even to ourselves, really.

It is only in us yielding to Him and Holy Spirit, letting them pull those knots loose, to expand our borders and being submitted to The Plan, even if we don’t quite know what it looks like, that we can begin to experience the wonders He has created us to be, a gift for others to know just how special they are to Him.

Purchased, and fashioned and made beautiful for a gift, in this case, a gift of warmth and comfort for a very precious little girl of a family I love so much because of the wonderful care he gives my mom.

If I am willing to go through so much for a simple gift for a little girl named Glory, that I nicknamed Grace, how much more is He willing.  His patience is boundless for us, which I must say, is so comforting, because I know I can be trying.  Let’s just leave it at that.

I hope you will find comfort in the untwisting and unknotting of your life as He retwists and reknots you into something more glorious that ever imagined.

Love ya!!

 

Knotted part 2

So today after weeks of leaving it alone I picked up the knotted mess of string again.  I just had gotten so tired of the mess and the tedium and just needed to put it down and work on something else.

And that something else was lots of things, but also the baby afghan.  I was thinking the other night, how pretty the colors are together and how I like working in the little squares to make a larger piece.

And I got to thinking, that’s how the Father is with us.  Sometimes we just need a rest from the mess. all the pulling and tugging and unwinding and layers we just need to lay that down for a bit and see the wonder of the new creation we are becoming.  I think it helps us to build our faith, and eventually our stamina and when we see God working, then we can take the next step when the time comes.

That’s how I see it anyway, I wish I had gone ahead and taken a picture of the huge mess of thread it was in the beginning, because it actually is much smaller now.  I keep thinking if I could just pull that one string… that one spot and the whole thing would unravel.  Hasn’t happened yet, don’t ya know.

I’ve also been thinking about the whole cutting it to make it easier thing.  Contemplating, is that man’s answer? or is it wisdom?.  I imagine, it could be either, depending on the situation.  What is in your heart? What direction do you find peace?

What I think so far, is until I find a knot I cannot undo, that is too tight that I can’t untangle, I will keep doing it the way I have been doing, It’s a good work, with something so beautiful in the making, that I will be patient, which really is not a strong suit for me.

love ya

 

 

Someone understands, and my heart is lighter

I miss my mother, I miss my grandmother. Sometimes it really just weighs on me. I don’t talk about it often, usually because there is nothing I can really do about it. I wish things were different, that mom and dad could really enjoy his retirement, like go on cruises and trips and stuff. I wish I could cook like mom did.  I can cook ok, and I do like the turkeys I make at thanksgiving, it would just be more fun if we could be more spur of the moment in our lives.

I wrote earlier about my frustrations with mom’s primary care physician.  I was so angry with the way she treated dad and I. I do believe that she is trying to do well by mother, but her almost insistence at mom being in a facility, and her needing medication.  I acquiesced and did allow her to put in one for the heart, but I was still so angry, I bawled.

It wasn’t just her, it was also the hospital, and whomever turned in mom to APS saying that she seemed in poor health, you tell me how you would be after you had a seizure and was disoriented on top of Alzheimer’s and being surrounded by faces you hadn’t seen, stripped naked and hands all over you.  How would you react? I would have been swinging, she wasn’t, she was like a little child.  I wouldn’t let them give her any meds though, that would have sent her body into shock I think. all they gave us was saline solution and we went home. And then I got the call from APS.  I cannot tell you the amount of stress that put on top of me. I called my brother, who is a peace officer, and he wasn’t concerned.  He just told me to make sure certain things were taken care of and they were.  Then the case worker postponed his appointment, and I felt better, I felt that if he had thought it was an emergency he wouldn’t have put it off.

And God worked that out too.  I had to go back to the dr. to get mom’s home health nurse and PT back, but the dr didn’t see that it was effective, really? Mom hadn’t fallen in about a year, until she didn’t have the PT to work on her knee.

No, she thought mom’s blood pressure was too high, and that we couldn’t take care of her and she should be in a facility.

Dad tried to say, yes it would be easier if she was, but that she never would have wanted that, and it wouldn’t be good for her.

I can tell  you, it wouldn’t be easier for me, not for a minute.  That Doctor has never been there when mom’s away from us.  She’s never seen how small mom becomes, or scared or even combative because she wants to do what she wants to do.

The one time we tried a facility that was supposed to help her even out her meds, they only gave her more and we could only see her a maximum of 3 times a week.  for an hour.  and we had to be in the same room with druggies and all manner of people with issues, all loudly talking over each other, so that mom had no voice.

Mom even fell in that facility so bad that both her ankles were purple from bruising them, and they didn’t call us.

So no, I will not put her into a facility.

That is not a judgment on anyone else however, every Alzheimer’s patient is different, every story is different, and if I were the one with the issues, since I have no husband, and no children, to not burden my family, I would probably choose that option, but we are neither here nor there with that.  Plus, I know people that they loved being where they could be around other people and visit.  Not all facilities are like that one mom was at, I get that, but I have to have some sort of control, and besides, have you looked at the cost of those things? It’s outrageous.

Anyway, all that stress and the Doctor on top of all that, trying to shame us…. and that was what it was, she wants her way, apparently her way is the only way, so  she rejected the home health care, and instead wanted them to come out to do a safety survey of the house.

Thank you God that I had already spoken with the health care people and they knew what we wanted, and when our old nurse came out that knows mom, and saw mom at her worst last year, he saw the difference in mom that the Doctor refuses to see.

You should have seen his face when I told him some of the things the Doctor had said. It felt so good to have someone agree with me.  One person that didn’t think mother needed to be on pills that would make her faint and dizzy to keep her from falling.

Someone that saw mom and knew we don’t need hospice.  Someone that didn’t care and set mom back up with PT.  It felt like I had my team back, and the burden was lifted just enough to breath again. Dad even said, “this is the happiest I have seen you in a while.”

I take my responsibility very seriously, and it’s not mom that’s the real burden, it’s the so called professionals that want to cookie cutter everything and is insistent on prescribing pharmaceuticals and not trying to help us find a better alternative.

I even tried looking at a more natural approach, which back in the day, D.O.’s had, and they are not in this area, or, they are “OUT there”.

I need to keep a Dr. so that I can keep the home health care, but, it’s not going to be the same person.

I wish I hadn’t convinced dad to go with her now as well, because now I need to change his doctor too even though he likes her, if she is that resistant to mom being off pills, how is she going to be when I get dad off his?

We still have some time, but, my end goal has always been off all meds.  I will need a Doctor that understands that and welcomes it as well.

 

Venting

Today, I left my mother’s doctor’s office, furious.  So angry, I ended up bawling at the restaurant. Dad doesn’t like tears, lol bless his heart.  There are other ways to treat mother than just her way.  I have an appointment in 2 weeks with her again, guess who isn’t going.

The reason I needed to go was to make sure mom was getting physical therapy to help keep her mobile as long as possible, but the doctor denied that, and wants instead to put her on the medicine again.  of course you do, because apparently that’s all you know.  Guess what, I was furious with you.  You have no idea who my mother is, you have no idea what I go through making sure we are taking care of mom as well as we can, but for you to not honor our wishes, and instead keep trying to peddle your poison into my mom… I find that very difficult to forgive.

I looked up what the drug does and what its side effects are… guess what? They are EXACTLY what I am trying to avoid with mom.  So, no, I will NOT put her back on that, I will NOT go back to you, I will also pull my Dad from you as well, and if needs be, will report you to the world.

I believe you went to school to gain knowledge, but, western science is not the end all to be all, and you do not have a lock on helping mother.

And as far as the physical therapy, we will work it out somehow.  I don’t need you anymore, you did help me get mom to a place, but then you refuse to see that her needs had changed, And your response for the past year has been to put her in a home.

Just as you can “see no change in her attitude” because you see her for a minute, doesn’t mean you would know how she would respond to being in a home.  I do.  I’ve seen her whither, I have never seen my mother look so small and vulnerable than when she’s been separated from us because you all in the medical field think you know better than us.

So no, as long as I have breath in this body, I will speak out, and while I might not beat you down in the examination room (because jail time would not be good for mom) doesn’t mean that I haven’t heard every insinuation or “meaning” behind what you are suggesting.

Thank you, but your services are no longer needed or wanted in my family.

 

Faith, writing, teaching.

Tonight I was looking back at some of the posts I have made, and I had forgotten several of them.

So I reread them, and I was pretty astounded, they sounded pretty good.  They didn’t sound that dissimilar to other posts created by professional writers.  Of course, just like I tell my sister, generally if I don’t remember saying something that impacted her, it wasn’t me, it was just my mouth and something Holy Spirit was saying.

So I am glad He is so articulate, because it impressed me.  It reminded me of my Junior year in High School in honors English, doing that dreaded term paper.  When I got back my report, my teacher wrote next to several of my topic sentences, “Sounds Bookish”. I remember going up to her after class and asking her what that meant, and she basically accused me of plagiarism, but since she could find no proof, because I didn’t plagiarize them, I am just that good at writing, when I am encouraged… well you get the picture.

I guess it actually took me almost 15 to 20 years to realize what she meant as an accusation, was actually a very strong compliment.  She thought my Topic sentences to my paragraphs were of such quality that they could be published.

Now, for some reason, earlier in my English classes, I remember learning how to make really strong Beginnings.  I don’t remember as much emphasis on the body of the work, and I certainly have had issues with conclusions.  It’s a lot like comma usage, lots of times I feel like I either missed that day in class, or I might have been daydreaming, you can never tell with me.

I am such an auditory learner, and skimmer when reading, there honestly is no telling.

Anyway, like I was saying, she definitely thought I had lifted those sentences from somewhere else, but had no proof, when ironically, a few years later, I actually caught a term report that was pretty blatantly plagiarized by a student, because it was about the very author I was reporting on, and I had picked up and read the same books, and then read the passages in the report. (the same errors that were in the book about the story were in the paper, word for word and that was only one of the instances unfortunately there were several)

What I didn’t know, was that student was still enrolled in that University, and I think I got them into trouble, but no, I didn’t, they did, they made the mistake that was found out.

I suppose if you look at my life, I love to read, and I love the creative force of writing.

Mother is this amazing artist, some day I will share some of her works with you all. I got words, I really don’t have the patience to draw.

Every once in a while, I can hold my own, depending on the medium, and the subject.  I can oil crayon the best paper bag you’ve ever seen.  Mostly, a first grader has more natural talent than I do.

And that is O.K. with me.  See, I never felt like I had to compete with anyone.  And the cool thing, is all of Mom’s kids and grandkids are creative. All with different mediums, but all creative.

A large part of that is whether they know it or not, God is the All Powerful Creator, and he created us to create.  Regardless of whether it is life, or art, or food, or words, or music.

So words are my big thing.  I would rather find the correct word and use one as opposed to several to convey a meaning.  I remember writing one thing and this guy that I was just obsessed with looked at me and said I needed counseling.  that was crushing. I read the same passage to a friend from work, and he told me that he could see the picture I was painting like it was a movie in front of him.

Guess which stuck with me more and kept me from writing for several years? You are correct, the negative (incidentally that was that same guy that told me that God didn’t expect him to change, I was really wrapped up in that guy, God had to move me back home and 3 hours away from him to free me of that mess)

So, I am working on, not being influenced by the negative.  I had an interview for a possible promotion at work a few weeks ago.  They chose someone else, no worries, I had already told God, that I knew that would mean He just had other plans and I was good either way.

Anyway, one of the questions was about “criticism” then, she changed it to constructive criticism, when did that ever help me and how would I blah blah blah… I don’t remember the rest of it because I was dumbfounded at criticism

Let me get this straight, I am a first born, and sometimes a very cranky first born, so I can be very critical of things, especially if I am tired or hungry or upset or just empty spiritually. However, I find nothing constructive about criticism.  I find it destructive, and divisive and hurtful, and most of the time petty.  Color me all of the above when I become super cranky pants.

What builds, is instruction, it’s taking the time to teach and grow the other person’s knowledge and confidence. It isn’t tearing down, it’s holding up when they can’t hold themselves up.  it is bearing with each other, and instead of jumping to conclusions of someone’s motives, stopping and praying, and seeking the heart of the matter and choosing to see the best in the other no matter what.

So many times, we assume the worst. And we need to change our focus.

We have to learn to trust our Creator that He knows and that He always, always, always has our best interests in His heart for us. When we have that confidence, we can take correction, or discipline, and it is a light thing, because He teaches us and shows us His ways.

I’m thinking I have crossed over like 3 different subjects with this blog. For those of you that know me intimately, you know that actually is my way.

Love you, peace.

 

 

 

Directions, or a study in the blind leading the blind

Last night an interesting thing happened in my hotel.  I had a guest that was trying to tell another guest that didn’t have GPS or I suppose a smart phone how to get to my hotel in the middle of the night. The guy was lost, had been lost for hours before they finally sought my help.  Let’s call the one at the hotel Ace and the fellow trying to find the hotel Pops since he was a father of one of the young adults in town for the Special Olympics.

So Ace keeps assuming that Pops is in Arlington and trying to give him directions… and Pops is just getting further and further lost. When Ace asked me to help, the first thing I told him I had to know where he was to give him directions to my building.

To put into perspective those who do not live in the DFW Metroplex, and shocking, I know but there are a few people that actually don’t live here.  Arlington is basically south central area between Dallas and Ft. Worth.  Irving is more north and closest to Dallas.  Now these gentlemen were from more of the Houston area, so they came up I-45 to I-20 which merges with a loop around Dallas and a loop around Ft Worth.

So Ace is giving Pops directions, assuming that he is where he should have been if he hadn’t gotten lost in the first place.  When I asked where he was, Pops said he was on Abrams.  And Ace got all excited, I on the other hand,  thought that Pops was in Dallas and not Arlington.  Pops found a hotel, and went in, but there was no one up at the front to help him get his bearings, but he did find a police officer, mind you it is about 2:30 am at this point.  And, it was a Dallas Police officer.  the man was about as lost as he could be, driving at least 4 hours only to get lost and drive for another 2 or three hours here in the Metroplex. (if DFW International airport is as big as Manhattan Island… how big do you think the Metroplex is?  Anyway, the Officer got him headed more in the right direction, but still out of his way than I would have sent him, but that was also because Ace kept telling him to go to I-30, the hotel is not on that road.

Eventually, the story did have a happy ending, the guest did find the hotel, and I think he might have gotten an hour or two of rest before competition was to begin.

The whole situation really spoke to me about how we actually live our lives sometimes.  We assume we know exactly what we are talking about or where we are or where we are going, and we are on the wrong road, or we actually have no idea because we are so lost ourselves. And yet we think we can lead someone else to the place we need to go.

I do have this sense of direction, that I must have inherited from my grandfather, that if I drive someplace one time, usually, I know how to get there and I never have to look at a map again.  even if its been a while since I’ve been there.  My Grandmother thought I never got lost, and it wasn’t that as much as I would drive in one direction until I saw a road name I recognized, and then would know the way home.  The only time that didn’t happen was when we went to Waco, and we missed a turn.  I was a little lost, and that stressed me out, but short story long, we found our way to my aunt’s and back home again.

Part of the issue was my cousin forgot a street, or he isn’t as precise as I try to be with directions, and this was before GPS on your phone or smart phones even.

So faulty information, can get someone lost.  Thinking you know where you are and you are actually lost and don’t know it, can get someone really lost, I think Ace would have had Pops in Louisiana soon if he hadn’t asked me to intervene.

And that’s what the Father and Jesus were talking about with the blind leading the blind.  There is nothing more dangerous I think especially to a new believer than wrong instruction, unless it is being unnecessarily overly judgmental.

The only way any of us should teach about Biblical principles is with the …. ready for it? … the Bible.  The written word of God that lays out His will for us, His plan for us, His love for us, His everything for us.  The wondrous gift we have of Holy Spirit leads us back to the Word.  You know every time I need answers, it goes back to a verse, or passage.  I have a lot in memory, but I still look it up, so that I don’t mistake Abram in Arlington with Abrams in Dallas.

And if I am on the wrong Abram, looking at The Map, The Plan, will get me back to the right place, because He is just that awesome to us.

Love and peace.

 

Gutted, Hurting, Peeved

The past few weeks have been really trying for me personally.  There are some personal things going on with the family, that just takes time to get ironed out. It just is.  But what has been more distressing for me, is what is happening with our nation today.

I really could care less what side of what fence you are on whether politically, or demographically, educationally, or philosophically.  What I am seeing is a staggering absence of love.

It is more acceptable to ridicule or be mean spirited about an opponent than to have true dialogue.  Every side believes their side is the righteous and moral side, whether or not that is truth, and consequently, because of that, no one is ever heard.

So each side escalates.  And people die.  Agendas are more important than the blood shed at these memorials, unless the family is strong and just tells them to leave.  The frustration of not feeling heard boiling over, fires stoked by again agendas and rhetoric that complete this horrific cycle of anger and bitterness and death and grief that turns in to anger and bitterness and death and grief.

We have leaders in our community, secular and regular that either are out of touch, or seem that way because instead of addressing the grief, they want to appear so strong that they shout their mantra.  No Fear only faith.  and yes, I understand, however, you have to address the hurting.  Jesus came to bind up the broken hearted…. I can think of no greater broken hearted than what our nation has seen.  We are so mired in each side being right, or politically correct, or victorious that we run over the smallest, the mildest, the weakest, and we dishonor God.

We put up or like more inflammatory posts on social media because we are all frustrated.  And no one feels they are being heard.

But are you listening? Are you waiting to speak until you hear the words the Father puts on your lips to speak peace, healing, love into a situation? Are you falling on your knees like I saw soooo many “Christians” posting after our officers in Dallas were ambushed and murdered. Let me tell you, as a daughter of a retired police officer and the sister of a current police officer, and friend of others, I was personally offended that those of you instead of words of comfort or peace, put up what felt sanctimonious and prideful and judgmental verse at the time. Now the verse in and of itself is not any of those things.  but for you to use that to “Preach” in a situation, I was very upset and knew you were just like everyone else, you have an agenda.

Let me tell you, sometimes, God gives YOU a verse at times of trouble, not to share, but to act upon.  Did you ever think if you had spent the time to actually get down on your knees and humble yourself before the Lord and pray, instead of finding the right graphic and building it and posting it….. maybe, just maybe, we would not have lost 5 officers that day?

Maybe just maybe, all the other police officers that have been ambushed whether in Minnesota, or Michigan, or Louisiana, maybe if you spent half the time pointing fingers you were one your knees praying and seeking God’s heart in all of this… Maybe just maybe, there would be a 4 month old who still had his daddy to hold him tonight?

You as Christians have been given the tools of the Kingdom.  Whatever you bind on Earth is bound also in Heaven, and whatever you loose ( or allow by your silence) is loosed as well.

I am really getting tired of all the selfishness in this world. Everyone is offended at everyone else, everyone thinks only they know anything.  Let me remind you of a little something.

NONE OF US CAN EVEN TAKE A BREATH, UNLESS THE LORD ORDAINS IT FIRST.

Yes he has made us more than conquerors, and we are victorious, blah blah blah.  It is meaningless and useless to be anything God has created you to be unless you use that blessing to bless others.

I am not just talking monetarily either. it costs nothing but your time and your pride to forgive and to pray.  Just because every place you set your foot you have authority over, doesn’t mean you own the world, it means, I set my foot on the police substation’s ground, and I claim that authority to protect these men and women.  I pray that all darkness is exposed. That any trap or snare is tripped early so that life is preserved.

Maybe later, I will go into more detail.. I just had to get this out, like I said before, it’s been roiling around in my spirit, and I just had to put it to words.

I do love you, I just know we can do better.  we are better because of the Blood, we can’t be like that man that looks in the mirror, steps away and immediately forgets what he looks like.  We are the reflection of the Father, the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth and of all of us. And He loves us, and is about ready to come and start putting some things in order.  And I want all of us on the right side of that order.

Walk in Love, let Love be your driving force. and you will be on the right side.